


Once a Queen

by brokenbutstillstanding



Category: Chronicles of Narnia - All Media Types
Genre: Death, Depression, F/M, Reunions, Suicide, allusion to non-con, also fics are a way for me to work through my own issues, and if a talking lion happens to be my therapist so be it, domestic abuse, susan deserved better you guys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:47:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25139470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenbutstillstanding/pseuds/brokenbutstillstanding
Summary: Susan finally joins her siblings in Aslan's Country. There is a lot to be said, and a lot to heal from. But she has her family back, and that is all that matters.
Relationships: Caspian/Susan Pevensie, Susan Pevensie/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 19
Kudos: 68





	1. Queen in Red

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ: Big big warning for suicide, death, abuse, blood, and some non-con! Please don't read this if it is going to be triggering for you. Writing and reading these subjects is very cathartic for me and helps me through my own traumas regarding these subjects, but it is NOT for everyone. Please take care of yourselves.

When Susan looks in the mirror she sees a familiar face, yet one that was a stranger to her. She had been 27 years old before, in another life. She had grown into the same woman once more, but she might as well be a completely different person. Where a golden crown used to sit upon long, shiny, hair, a felt hat rested on dull locks pulled back into a bun. Her eyes were the same blue as they'd always been, but instead of the lively mischief she used to radiate they were practically lifeless. Her fair skin that used to hold a rosy blush from the Narnian sun and subtle fine lines from the amount of smiling she’d done over 15 years were now sallow with a horrid looking bruise blooming on her cheekbone. Her husband wasn’t normally this careless. As a Senator they were expected to look like the perfect couple, she was accustomed to covering bruises with makeup but he tended to avoid her face. The argument this morning had gotten out of hand.

Perhaps this is what she deserved.

She tried to swallow the knot in her throat and fight the stinging in her eyes as she placed her hat back on the hat rack. It wouldn’t help detract from the bruise any. 

Matthew hadn’t been like this at first. He’d been charming, showing her off as if she was the most valuable thing in the world and showering her with gifts and love. She’d loved him. She still did. He offered a wonderful distraction from what she’d been trying to forget. Who she’d been trying to forget. He had dark hair and dark eyes just like him, the only difference was Matthew had an American accent instead of a thick Telmarine one.

She wished she could be more like her siblings, but when Aslan had pulled her and her big brother aside and told them they would never return to Narnia…it hurt her more than she could describe. She knew her brothers and sister grew frustrated with her when she dug her heels in and refused to acknowledge their time spend in the wardrobe. When she spent more and more time applying makeup and flirting with young men. But she couldn’t be like them. When she darkened her eyes and painted her lips she could no longer recognize the girl who had led a country, the girl who had been the most sought after bachelorette in the world, the girl who danced with trees and swam with mermaids. Every boy that took her on a date made her forget about Calormenian and Telmarine princes. Whenever she thought about her old life she felt as though she’d been stabbed in the lungs and she couldn’t put up with the pain anymore. 

She knew her siblings disagreed. She’d tried to ignore her younger siblings when they told her of their third visit to Narnia, of the man sitting on the throne. She ignored it when word reached her from her cousin that said man had fallen in love with a star and had a wonderful marriage and family. She wanted that for him. Truly. But it didn’t make it hurt any less to see someone else living the life you wished you had.

Matthew had been a balm to her bruised soul. At first. The first time he struck her she’d argued with him about politics. Her husband was a Senator after all, and in this world, she was not the Queen she had once been. It didn’t matter that she’d fought in wars or drafted laws or ran an entire country, no one would believe her if she said so. She was trying to forget about it herself. He’d sworn he would never do it again and that he loved her, and she believed him.

Then her family had died. Four siblings and she was the only one left. She stopped caring altogether. Matthew had proposed and she’d accepted. Numb. She’d felt numb. Even on her wedding day, she’d barely lifted her lips into a smile except for the mechanical one she’d put on for the press cameras. 

She told herself she didn't care. That this was what she deserved for turning her back on her home, on Aslan. Every time an argument ended with a hit or a kick, every time Matthew drank too much, every time her protests were ignored as he took his pleasure. The bruises on her wrists didn’t even hurt anymore. 

She buried down so deep into herself she thought she’d never get out, but even then it didn’t completely erase how much she wanted her siblings. She wanted her little sister to laugh with and be the optimism that she so needed in her life, she wanted her little brother to be blunt with her and tell it to her exactly as it was, she wanted her big brother to protect her and tell her it was going to be alright. She wanted Aslan. She wanted Narnia. She wanted her family back. 

Now she looked in the mirror at her 27-year-old self, absentmindedly wondering if she would tumble out of a wardrobe back into Narnia at a fresh-faced 12-year-old. She knew she wouldn’t. And that's why she did what she did next.

She wasn’t thinking clearly, she knew that much, but she hadn’t been thinking clearly in a long time. She heard her older brother’s voice mocking her light-heartedly in her head and telling her to be intelligent. She had never been as intelligent as she’d thought. 

The cuts on her wrists didn’t hurt. She sat in the bathtub, at least a little conscious of the mess she was making, watching with a detached fascination as crimson red began to roll towards the drain. If her sister was here she could use her cordial. If her sister was here Susan wouldn’t be doing this to begin with.

She thought dying would hurt, but after a while, she simply felt numb as the world started to fade around her. She was glad Matthew hadn’t come home early to apologize like he sometimes did, a bouquet of roses and false promises on his lips.

When she closed her eyes for the last time she didn’t know what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t this.

She was…in Aslan’s How?

It was just as she’d remembered it. The cracked stone table. The walls painted with her and her sibling’s likeness. She automatically grabbed her wrists, they no longer hurt but instead had been marred with thick ugly scars as a reminder of what she’d done. Her wedding ring still glinted mockingly in the torchlight. She wobbly stood, head still spinning as she grasped a shard of broken mirror on the floor a bit too hard, slicing into her fingers. 

It was…her…really her…the Susan that had flushed cheeks and bright eyes and remembered how to smile.

“It has been a long time, Susan Pevensie.” A voice startled her out of her trance and she whirled around, heart in her throat. She knew that voice.

Aslan was just as magnificent as always. One might think he just looked like a lion, but Susan had seen other lions at the zoo and Aslan was different. His eyes were…human. He didn’t appear to be upset with her at the very least, although she was positive it was coming.

She shakily remembered herself, kneeling into a bow as she still fought to regain her voice.

“Stand, child,” Aslan commanded gently as she scrambled to her feet once more, the queenly grace she’d once exhibited gone.

“Am I…dead?” Susan finally asked.

This hadn’t been what she expected. She didn’t know if she’d been expecting the fiery pits of hell or the cloudy paradise of heaven, but it hadn't been this.

Aslan drew his eyes to her wrists which she quickly hid behind her back.

“You are no longer living, at least in your world,” the lion said, not really answering her question but giving her enough information to infer.

“Why am I here?” She chose to ask next, still trying to wrap her brain around what was going on.

“Once a King or Queen of Narnia, always a King or Queen of Narnia.” Aslan’s eyes smiled as he spoke.

Susan was twice as confused as before.

“But I’m…but I…”

She’d betrayed him. She’d tried to forget him. She’d tried to forget Narnia. She’d denied it at every turn and stuck her nose up at the very mention of talking lions and satyrs and dancing trees.

“You never truly forgot, Susan Pevensie.”

She hadn’t. But she had tried her hardest. 

“You have suffered long, child. But you never truly forgot.” Aslan stepped closer, close enough that Susan could feel his furry mane.

She instinctively fisted her hand into it, feeling comforted like a baby.

“There are some people who have been waiting for you.” Aslan rumbled as she clung onto him for dear life.

There were…he didn’t mean…

“I don’t deserve this…” she couldn’t stop the tears from falling, her voice as thick as the fur on Aslan’s back.

“We do not get to decide what we deserve, Daughter of Eve. Or I fear your younger brother would not be here either.”

Her little brother had always been hard on himself. No matter how often they reassured him that what happened with the White Witch had been forgiven, she still knew he held it against himself.

Or he had. Before he’d died.

A burst of light brought Susan out of her stupor, the entrance to the How lighting up into some sort of portal. Aslan broke away and stepped towards it, glancing back towards her.

“It is up to you.” He offered.

“What happens if I don't take it?” She whispered.

“Then you remain here until you are ready, Queen Susan the Gentle, of the Horn, of the Radiant Southern Sun, of Narnia.”

With that he disappeared through the portal and Susan was left alone.

She didn’t know how long she stood there. How long she fought the fear of the unknown, what if what awaited her through that portal was a punishment after all?

Finally, she took a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other. If this was her punishment, she would take it whatever it was.

The portal didn’t hurt, she didn’t feel much of anything actually, just as she hadn’t on her trips to and from Narnia in the past.

She didn’t come out on the other side dangling over a fiery pit or hanging in a cage under a pack of angry wolves as she’d feared, instead, she was met with the soft sounds of ocean waves and sea birds singing in the air. She’d barely had time to recognize that her calf-length tea dress had transformed into what had been one of her favorite royal gowns, the soft satin brushing the sand beneath her toes, before she heard it.

“Susan? Susan!” A woman’s voice called, making her head snap up.

Now she knew she was dead. Because running towards her at full speed from across the beach were her siblings, every bit as old as they had been when they left Narnia the first time. Lucy with her long beautiful hair and the baby fat cut from her cheeks, Edmund with his angled face and wise eyes, Peter with his golden beard and a wide smile.

Lucy got to her first, she’d always been the fastest out of all of them, nearly tackling Susan to the ground as she made contact.

It took Susan a moment before she recognized the corporeal form in her arms and she wrapped her arms around her little sister so hard she knew it had to hurt. Lucy didn’t complain.

Lucy was torn from her arms as Edmund took her place, her little brother actually sniffling back tears as he buried his face in her hair.

Lastly, Peter folded her into his arms and at that Susan broke down into heart-wrenching sobs. Her other two siblings quickly re-joined them and together they collapsed down into the sand as she wept into her brother’s broad shoulder, the family she thought she’d lost forever surrounding her. When she had quieted down, only hiccups left, Lucy had been the one to notice it.

“Susan…” her attention was called to her little sister who was still grasping the hand she had been holding, staring in utter shock at the scar on her wrist. 

It only took Edmund a moment to catch on and before she could say anything he’d rolled up the edge of her sleeve on her other hand and exposed the matching mark on her other arm. She snatched her arms back violently, tucking them in close and doing her best to avoid Peter’s horrified stare.

“Su…what…” Edmund started and Susan started to feel the panic erupting from her chest.

She didn’t want to remember that. She didn’t want to remember the husband who would find her lifeless body in their tub, of the bruise that still decorated her skin in the other world, of the horrors in that house. Of the fact that her only way out had been this.

Lucy seemed to catch on, quickly interrupting Edmund and gently helping her older sister to her feet.

“Let's go see everyone. Eustace is here, and Jill, and Caspian!” She chattered, although the desperation was still audible beneath her jovial tone.

Caspian…he was here? She supposed he had to be…he was dead too after all.

Perhaps he was here with his son. And his wife.

Still, she couldn’t deny that a large part of her wanted to see him more than anything. Wanted to hear that accent again, look into eyes that were so similar yet so different than Matthew’s.

Susan nodded.

Lucy smiled and shot a sharp look towards their brother’s before bounding off into the sand, leading the way with all the energy of the child she’d always been at heart. 

Edmund squeezed Susan’s hand as if to apologize before calling after Lucy, scolding her halfheartedly.

Peter took a second longer, finally wrapping her arm around his and escorting her through the sand towards their younger siblings.

“Let's go home.”


	2. Queen of Ashes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From here on out we start to have more canon divergence, just as a warning!

Caspian had been away when they’d returned to camp, but just seeing the rest of her old Narnian friends had Susan in tears once more. They were all there. Mr. Tumnus, Oreius, the Beavers, Trufflehunter, Trumpkin, Reepicheep. They’d all embraced her with warm open arms, arms that she never thought she’d see again. The guilt weighed heavily on her, to think she had tried so hard to forget about these people. Never again.

She could feel eyes on her all during supper. Lucy seemed to take the hint that Susan didn’t wish to talk about her death or what came before it, and Edmund had always known how to bide his time, but she could feel Peter practically bursting at the seams with the protective-older-brother energy he’d carried since she learned how to walk.

They sat in companionable, if not a little awkward, silence in front of the fire when he finally returned. 

He looked just as he did the last time she saw him, if not just a little older. He had the beginnings of a beard, although it was just a shadow on his face, his long wild hair the same as she always remembered it. His eyes were the same too. They held a kindness that her husband’s had never truly had, especially in the later years of their marriage.

He froze when he saw her. It must be a shock, she thought, he’d never seen her in the golden age of Narnia before. The last time he’d seen her had been as a mere teenage girl who acted too old for her age.

“Caspian! Susan’s here, look!” Lucy narrated unnecessarily, seeming relieved to have something to break the thick silence that had fallen between them.

“I…see…” he simply responded. She had missed that accent so much that she almost started crying again, but she managed to get ahold of herself.

He looked like he wanted to step forward, and he actually did for a moment before stopping short as if he was unsure. His hands fidgeted, looking as though they wanted to reach out, but the two of them had spent a lifetime apart. They stood on unsteady ground.

After all, a single kiss was no reason to sweep her into a hug now.

“Welcome back, your majesty” he bowed finally with a soft smile on his lips.

“Caspian…” she answered, Edmund (ever so perceptive) subtly squeezed her hand.

“How was the trip?” Lucy hurriedly asked, seeming to be determined to try to pull this conversation in a slightly less awkward direction.

She listened as Caspian sat down and told them of the sailing trip he’d been on, just him and a small boat drifting in the endlessly clear waters of Aslan’s Country. Edmund had chimed in a few times, reminiscing about the voyage they had been on so many years ago. 

Peter still stared at her, his eyes fighting a battle.

The conversation ebbed and flowed naturally between the five of them, Susan offering quite little to the topics at hand. What stories did she have to compete with valiant quests of heroism and of Aslan. 

She reached out to place her tankard of water back on the ground in front of her when Lucy’s eye must have caught the glint on her hand in the firelight. She supposed they had all been too preoccupied with her wrists earlier.

“Susan, you got married? Oh, that's wonderful!” Lucy exclaimed with a wide smile.

“To that chap you were seeing before?” Edmund piped in, looking at her hand fondly.

She’d fought off her fair share of marriage proposals back in Narnia with the help of her brothers (and a surprisingly feisty Lucy) but they had assured her that one day she would choose someone worthy of her.

She had made a terrible mistake. The only one worthy of her was currently sitting across from her, eyeing the ring on her finger with an unreadable expression.

These damned rings. She took them off her finger. Her engagement ring was sizable, it had been the talk of every dinner party she and Matthew had gone to for months after his proposal. The wedding ring shone solid gold in the flickering light.

Susan stared at it numbly, not hearing Lucy’s follow up comment.

Then she tossed it into the fire.

She doubted it would melt all the way down but she wanted it disfigured. Ruined.

She could feel the shock in the air around her for the second time that day. Her siblings’ eyes were drawn to the fire where she had tossed the symbol of her matrimony. She didn’t mean to, but she looked in Caspian’s direction. His eyes were firmly fixed on hers, a tight sort of sorrow in their depths. 

“I don’t want to talk about him.” She managed to say evenly.

She knew they would have a conversation eventually, but she couldn’t handle this right now. It was too raw. Too new. Had she still been in the other world the bruise would still be fresh on her face. 

“I’m sorry…” Lucy apologized, looking genuinely guilty.

Susan’s heart melted and she gave her little sister a small smile, taking her hand.

“That's alright, Lu. I’m quite tired actually, do you mind showing me somewhere I can sleep?” She excused diplomatically, very practiced in the art of doing so.

Peter looked like he was going to say something when Edmund piped up.

“Of course. Follow me.”

Edmund. So perceptive. He always had been. That's why he had been in charge of so many judgments back during their reign. When he could set aside his stubbornness he could see right through you.

She followed him. They didn’t walk long, but she felt as though she’d traveled miles. This place was even more beautiful than Narnia had been, and she felt as though she was sifting through different layers with each being more wondrous than the last. Most of it was greenery and woodland, but as the passed the crest of the hill she stopped.

Cair Paravel.

Or at least, a castle that looked astoundingly like it. She knew it couldn't be one and the same, there were subtle differences in the architecture and the foliage, but it looked so much like how that she ached. 

Edmund had turned back to see what had been taking her so long, his eyes softening as he saw her gaping. 

“Aslan had it made. He said there must be somewhere for the Kings and Queens of Narnia to stay, and what better than Cair Paravel?” He explained.

Her feet began moving again without her permission, following her brother obediently to their destination.

Edmund didn’t have to walk her to her old rooms, she knew where they were of course, but he still did. She found out why when he followed her in and shut the heavy oak door.

He looked every bit the King he was when he turned around to look at her, her baby brother tall and regal with eyes that saw straight into her soul.

“I understand. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever make it here either.”

She was startled. 

“What do you mean?” She asked, he couldn’t possibly still be-

“I know you’ve all said it a thousand times, even Aslan has, but I sold you all out. I betrayed you. I knew she would kill you and I still tried to help her. No amount of atoning could possibly make up for helping Jadis. No amount of good can undo the people I helped her hurt.”

Edmund avoided her gaze, choosing to stare intently at a tapestry on the wall instead that depicted the four of them riding through the forest as they so often did together. She wanted to reach out and comfort her little brother.

“Ed, none of us blame you.”

Her older-sibling instincts weren't quite as strong as Peter’s, but they were still there, and she crossed the room to pull his tall lanky form down into a hug. He would never truly forgive himself for this, even if the rest of them had.

“We don’t blame you either, Su.” He whispered, the pain still evident in his voice.

Susan stiffened involuntarily. 

They shouldn’t.

“I tried to forget. I wanted to forget.” She whispered into his shoulder.

He pulled back and held her at an arms-length, his blue eyes searching her face for a long moment before he responded. 

“But you didn’t.”

“I suppose not.” She finished miserably. 

She would never deserve this.

Edmund turned, opening the door a crack but pausing before he could exit the room.

“Whatever happened while we were gone, I hope one day you can tell us.” Her brother said with a smile before bidding her good night and closing the door with a solid thunk behind him.

Susan just stood there in the middle of rooms she hadn’t stood in for years, in a body that didn’t feel like hers, and stared blankly at where he’d left. 

She’d tell them. Just not today.


	3. Queen of Stars

She woke late the next morning when the sun was already high in the sky. It wasn't like her to sleep in, but she supposed dying could do that to a person.

By the time she had righted herself and fixed her hair and clothes breakfast was growing cold. She absentmindedly wondered if she even had to eat, being dead and all, but she figured she could still enjoy the taste of a pastry if nothing else. 

She found Lucy preparing to leave as she wandered the grounds.

“Susan! You’re up! Would you like to come to visit Mr. Tumnus with me?” She invited cheerily.

She hesitated for a moment, not wanting to intrude on the pair’s time together, but dreading being alone more.

“Yes, thank you. Where is everyone?”

The pair set off as Lucy began to answer.

“Peter is with Oreius sparring. I told them we aren’t about to have any battles here for them to fight, but I suppose it's amusing for them. Edmund has gone to see Eustace, something about an old book he found.”

“Eustace doesn't stay at Cair Paravel?” Susan asked, assuming their cousin would be there with them. He was a protector of Narnia after all.

“There's a room here for him if he wants it, but he says it’s too ‘stuffy’ and it ‘offends his delicate sensibilities’ so he has a cottage not far from here. If you ask me it’s just so he can be grumpy in his own space.” Lucy pouted playfully, clearly not taking Eustace’s words to heart. 

“And Caspian?” Susan ventured, deciding to just come out with it and be brave.

Lucy’s expression faltered for a moment.

“Visiting his family. His father and Rilian. He left early this morning but he’ll be back by tonight.” 

Rilian…

“Rilian is his son, isn’t he?” Susan tried to guess, when her siblings had told her of him she hadn’t paid much attention. To absorbed in how much everything hurt to care.

“Yes.” Lucy was looking at her out of the corner of her eyes, cautious as though Susan would explode.

“I knew he had a family, Lu. A wife and son. Why doesn’t he stay with them? Why does he have a room at Cair Paravel?” She retorted.

Caspian had never visited Cair Paravel while it was still standing. That hadn’t been the seat of his throne. He had no memories there. Why stay there at all?

Lucy looked thoughtful for a moment, still looking at Susan.

“Some days he does. But to tell you the truth I think he stays here because it reminds him of someone. I used to see him looking at the portraits and tapestries a lot.” 

Susan wasn’t dumb. She knew what her sister was implying. But Caspian had a wife, and a child to boot. He already had his family. His great love. She supposed she did too, even if she drew the short straw.

The subject thankfully changed and Lucy filled Susan in on everything she’d missed since their accident. How Narnia had ended and they had all be residing here since. Of the walks, she and Mr. Tumnus took and tea with the Beavers. Of how this place seemed to shape around them, around what they needed. How Edmund was never cold, even in the wintertime the ice never seeped too deep beneath his skin, reminding him of freezing fingers and stone figures. Of Peter ending frequent spats between Oreius and Glenstorm, the pair clashing often despite their similar personalities.

“All we were missing was you. I really did miss you, Susan.” Lucy finished, stepping closer to her older sister.

“I missed you too. All of you. One day you were all just…gone…” Susan pulled Lucy into a hug.

She was real. This was real. 

“I’m sorry.” Lucy apologized into her shoulder, still being half a head shorter than her.

“It’s alright. Now let's go see Mr. Tumnus before the tea gets cold.” Susan brushed a tear away before it could fall. She’d done enough crying for one lifetime. 

Lucy gave her a watery grin and the pair walked the short distance left to the faun’s door.

Mr. Tumnus had been delighted to see her, stamping his hooves nervously as he often did when he was excited, busying himself by bustling around what seemed to be a perfect replica of his old home in Narnia.

The afternoon turned into evening and before they knew it the moon was starting to rise in the sky. Susan couldn’t remember the last time she’d had such pleasant and easy conversation. The political events she had often gone to with Matthew had been full of ladies as fake as fiction. Enjoyable conversation was rare in that crowd. 

The sister began the trek back to Cair Paravel, stuffed to the brim and giddy with laughter and companionship. Lucy told her they didn’t have to worry about the road home, this was Aslan’s Country, nothing bad could happen to them here. 

And wasn’t Susan relieved by that. 

She was still so contented by the day she’d had that she almost missed him on her way up the stairs to her room.

Caspian stood out on the landing balcony, staring up into the sky at the stars. She watched him for a moment, he looked deep in thought and seemed to be talking to himself. She had just decided not to disturb him and continue her journey to her quarters when he turned to the side a little and caught sight of her.

“Susan…” Caspian looked surprised, although he probably never thought he’d see her again before the other day.

He gave her a small smile, moving out of the doorway so she could join him which she did with little hesitation.

“I hope your day treated you well.” He offered, his attention moved from the stars to her face. 

“It did. I trust your son is well?” She returned, not missing the way he stiffened. 

Susan wanted to laugh.

“You know about Rilian?” 

“Of course I do. My siblings and I do talk you know. Or at least we used to.” She teased.

Caspian just looked conflicted. 

“I’m sorry.”

“For what? Having a family? Don’t be. We were never going to work. We both knew that.” She turned her attention out to the courtyard that they towered above, not wanting to meet his eyes. 

“You are right.” He conceded.

“If you don’t mind me asking though…don’t your son and wife miss you? Do you not wish to live with them?” She couldn't help but pry a little, her curiosity getting the better of her.

Caspian looked up at the stars once more, a sadness falling over his features that made her instantly regret asking.

“My son is grown. I visit often. Lilliandil…my wife…does not reside in Aslan’s Country.” He answered.

Susan felt her breath hitch.

“I’m sorry…I didn’t…” she stammered, the usually eloquently spoken woman at a loss for words.

“She was a star. She is where she belongs now, even if it isn’t at my side. You can see the stars clearest from Cair Paravel, though.”

Suddenly things made a lot more sense. Why he was out here at night. Why he was talking to himself. He was speaking to her, to the stars.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt-“ she turned to leave, the feeling of being an intruder in her own home nearly overwhelming her when she was stopped by a hand grasping her wrist. 

She gasped, immediately fighting the hold and pulling her wrist back towards her with a ferocity she rarely exhibited. She didn’t know if it was the unexpectedness of it, the phantom feeling of hands grasping her, pulling her, holding her down, or the scars that resided under her sleeves, but she knew she was viscerally uncomfortable. 

“I’m sorry…” Caspian immediately apologized, letting her go, “you don’t have to leave.”

Her heart stopped racing quite as fast and she slowly lowered her hands from the protective grip she had them in.

“Lilliandil was a wonderful Queen. She was loved by the people, and I loved her too. She was an amazing wife and mother, and she never blamed me for being unable to give her all my heart. No matter how much I wished to.” He continued, his eyes fixed to her hands.

She wouldn’t read into that last comment. She couldn’t. The walls that had tried to protect her from him the first time, from Narnia, from Aslan, began to rise once more. She was tired of hurting. 

“Your husband was cruel to you.”

There. He’d said it. Less than two days since she’d arrived and the subject had finally been broached. She’d fully expected it to be Peter, demanded in his protective tone, not gently stated in a soft Telmarine accent. She hadn’t done a good job hiding it, not with her emotional display with her wedding ring the other day. Even though Caspian hadn’t seen her wrists, he could guess from that alone the kind of marriage she’d had.  
Edmund knew too. She knew that much from his subtle comment the night before. Peter and Lucy suspected at the very least. 

How could she admit it? Admit that she, Queen Susan the Gentle of Narnia, had allowed herself to be treated so? That she had stayed with him? That she- by Aslan even now- held the tiniest bit of affection for him?

“I loved him once. He loved me once, too.” She finally said.

Caspian looked dubious like he wanted to argue the semantics, but she wasn’t interested in that particular conversation right now.

“I believe I’ll turn in for the evening. Good night.” She bid him farewell, but as she turned to leave a voice stopped her short.

“You asked why I choose to live here instead of with my son. At my own castle. It is because this, Cair Paravel, is where I can find all the pieces of my heart.” His voice was clear and bold and the lilt of his accent shaping around his words made her chest constrict. She couldn’t do this tonight.

With that she left him on the balcony, feeling his eyes on her back until she turned the corner.


	4. Queen of the Dawn

Edmund had told her that in Aslan’s Country it became what they needed. Lucy had told her nothing could harm them here. She supposed even a place as magical at this couldn’t protect her from her own mind. 

When she had woken the next morning it was to a faint wetness on her cheeks and tears still dribbling down the side of her face into her hairline. She’d had the most awful dream the night before. That none of this had been real. That she hadn’t been reunited with her siblings, with Caspian, that she was back in her never-ending cycle of hell with Matthew. Even now, sitting in her extravagantly large bed with the cool air from her open window tussling her hair, she had a hard time convincing herself any of this was real. She pinched herself. It wasn’t enough. With a panic she hadn’t felt in quite some time she swung her legs out of bed and practically flung open the drawer of her bedside table, rummaging around until she found the hilt of the dagger she’d always left beside her as she slept back in her days as Queen. She hiked up her nightdress to her hips, her legs exposed as she cleared room on her thigh. She had only done this once before, just a few cuts on her leg in a moment of weakness when she needed to feel grounded, but she’d quickly been found out that night when Matthew had undressed her to do what husbands and wives did. He hadn’t been happy.

Just a single cut was all she administered. Just to reassure herself she was here, to catch her breath. The crimson blood beaded up quickly but Susan ignored it, letting out a long breath and curling her knees up to her chest as she buried her face in them. She was probably getting blood on her nightgown but she couldn’t bring herself to care. 

She was really here. Everything was over now. She never had to see him again. 

When she finally looked up again the pink rays that accompanied dawn were streaming through her window as the sun rose. With one more breath and a swipe at her cheeks to rid them of the sticky tear tracks that remained she stood and wandered over to her wardrobe to select a dress for the day. She didn’t pay much attention to the dress she’d chosen, still in a bit of a haze as she moved to the washroom connected to her quarters and dressed the cut on her leg and pulled on her gown. Her eyes still looked a little red and bloodshot, but she doubted anyone would be up this early anyway. Edmund was always the earliest riser, often spending his mornings in the library busying himself with who knows what until Lucy pounced on Peter’s bed to wake him up hours later, her older brother sleeping like a log until someone dragged him out into the daylight. 

It was because of this fact that she was floored when she approached the drawing-room hoping to catch the sunrise and found Peter sitting in one of the chairs, dark circles under his eyes. He looked up at her approach, something serious and unreadable in his gaze.

“What are you doing up?” She asked. Normally she would rib him a bit if she found him up before her, but it had been so long she wasn’t quite sure where the stood anymore. Even if he was her brother. 

“Thinking.” He replied, the tiredness evident in his voice. She absently wondered if he had slept at all.

“About what?” She inquired gently, taking a seat across from him. Perhaps he’d had a nightmare as well. It wouldn’t be the first time one of her siblings had woken up with one. It was most often Edmund, phantoms of the White Witch’s fingers grasping him, but sometimes it was Peter or Lucy as well.

“Why, Susan?”

She blinked.

“Why what?” 

It was then she noticed Peter’s eyes locked firmly on her wrist, the dress she’d selected having three quarter length sleeves. She’d have to pay more attention in the future. 

Susan suddenly felt as tired as Peter looked. She didn't even know how to broach the subject, let alone admit to Peter what had happened after they all died. After they all left her.

“What was so terrible you’d do that?” Peter kept on, his voice growing more and more passionate with each word. 

“Everything.” She answered dryly, perhaps a little sharper than she’d intended. 

“Did it have to do with your husband?” He pressed.

She couldn’t help the flinch, her dream still a little too raw in her mind. She wondered if Matthew had found her body in the tub yet back on Earth.

“Come on Su, I may not be a smart as Edmund but I’m not an idiot you know. Happy people don’t throw their wedding rings in a fire.” He seemed a little irritated now. Peter never did have much patience. 

“If you know everything then there's no point in me telling you, is there?” She bit back, defensiveness slowly rising in her gut the closer he got to the truth. She didn’t know how she could tell him.

“Say it. Just tell me, Susan. Tell me.”

She didn't know if it was the lack of sleep or the hint of desperation in her older brother’s voice that made her crumble. Perhaps she was just tired of it all. Perhaps she just wanted to admit it.

“He hit me. Often. Other things too.” She couldn’t look at him. What kind of Queen was she? Queen Susan the Gentle, who commanded respect despite her soft nature, someone who Princes and Kings alike had bowed to and kissed her feet as they begged for her hand. Defeated by her own husband.

She was broken out of her self deprecation when a pair of strong arms wrapped themselves around her like a vice. She would have panicked at the surprise of it all if she didn’t recognize the smell of pine and smoke that Peter apparently still carried. She gripped him back just as tightly.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He kept repeating, head buried in her neck from where he knelt on the ground in front of her.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” He hadn’t even been alive when it had all started. 

“I wish I’d been there. I could have stopped it.” He sounded ever the stubborn and petulant child he often was, making Susan smile into his hair.

“It isn’t that simple, Pete. I loved him. I still do, even if it’s just a little. I wouldn’t have told you.”

And she wouldn't have. She knew that much. It would be admitting weakness. It would have uprooted them all, even if she often wished for Peter to magically show up and do just that.

“I would have noticed.” He argued.

“He was an American congressman. We were in the media quite often. No one noticed.” She sighed. She’d made sure of that. It was quite impressive what makeup could do.

“I would have. I would have stopped him.”

“It's alright” she pushed him away so she could look at him, “I’m here now. There is nothing more to do about it.”

Peter grasped a wrist in his hand, running his thumb over her scar. She gently placed a hand on top of his to stop his spiral of self-torment.

He looked up at her as determined as he was when he’d charge into battle.

“Would you like me to introduce you to some of our friends here? After breakfast?”

She couldn’t help the smile.

“I’d love nothing more.”

She ate breakfast a little quicker than usual, her anticipation getting the better of her. Peter noticed if the self-satisfied smirk he sent her way was anything to go by. She knew this was his way of cheering her up, like when he’d wander over to her with her favorite stuffed bear when they were very small and she’d scraped her knee with a “don’t cry Su-Su. It’s alright now”. She couldn’t bring herself to care. It had been so long since she could spend time with her Narnian friends and she was excited to make some new acquaintances that weren’t stuffy politicians and their wives. 

The day was absolutely lovely. Peter introduced her to a serious centaur named Dimmask, two minotaur brothers named Cetius and Thaumin, a dwarf with rosy cheeks and a bright smile called Groffle, a friend of Mr. Tumnus named Falbia (who seemed quite fond of the former if she did say so herself), and the loveliest hedgehog named Dustleknot who made quite delicious biscuits and tea. By the time the two returned to Cair Paravel they were stuffed to the brim with biscuits (Paddlebrim, the chef, would be cross with them for ruining their dinner) and laughter.

She’d missed Peter so much. She loved Edmund and Lucy, of course she did, but Peter was her big brother. Some of her earliest memories was of his giggle filling their home as their father chased him around the living room. He'd always been there.

Speaking of her younger brother, however, they found a very cross Edmund when they returned. He wasn’t really mad, maybe a bit put out, but Susan knew him well enough to tell when he was faking it.

“Lucy got to spend all day with you yesterday and Peter hogged you all to himself today. I missed Susan too you know.” He half teased.

“I believe I’m free tomorrow. Let me check my schedule.” Susan teased back, Edmund cracking a smile in return.

“I’ll have to plan something worthwhile then.”

They were interrupted from discussing any more as Lucy and Caspian walked through the door, seemingly having a sibling-like spat about something.

“I told you we were going the wrong way. Eustace’s cottage is left past the willow grove, not right.” Lucy said, hands on her hips.

“Yes yes as you’ve said ten times already. I swear to you those trees moved. It was right.” Caspian shot back.

“You men are all useless with directions!” She huffed.

Caspian responded by ruffling her hair as she squawked in indignation, eliciting a smirk from the Narnian King.

“Lost again, Caspian?” Edmund leaned back in his chair, eyebrow raised and goading smile on his face.

“Not you too” Caspian complained.

“You really shouldn’t talk, Edmund. If I recall, Mr. Tumnus and I had to search for you for hours one evening before we found you going in the opposite direction from his house.” Lucy challenged. 

“Didn’t you get lost on the way to dinner at my castle once too?” Caspian added on.

“And that time we went to the beach.” Said Lucy.

“And sailing that one time.” Caspian pointed out.

“Alright already! It's not fair when you two gang up on me!” Edmund complained.

“It's worse when Eustace is here too.” Peter grinned, giving his younger brother a clap on the shoulder.

Susan couldn’t help the laughter that escaped her, still high off the happiness of the day she’d had. Caspian’s grin turned into a softer smile that Susan didn’t care to decipher just then as he regarded her.

“Susan, I’m glad I got the chance to see you today. I was wondering if you’d be averse to traveling to my castle tomorrow? I’d like the chance to introduce you to my father. Rilian as well.” He asked, standing a little straighter although his shoulders tensed as if preparing for a blow. Was he nervous?

“No! She’s mine tomorrow! You can have her the day after!” Edmund complained.

The pair were like siblings indeed, she thought.

“What am I? A shiny new toy?” She laughed.

“The day after tomorrow sounds perfect then if you’d like.” He corrected.

“I’d love to.”

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so happy as she spent the evening watching her brothers roughhouse, Caspian and Lucy placing playful bets from the sidelines as the two grown men set about acting quite like children.

She almost forgot about her dream, about Matthew, until she saw the blood-soaked bandage on her thigh as she dressed for bed.


End file.
